The Inner Turmoil of Gilbert Bielschmidt
by inspiration-doesnt-come-easy
Summary: Gilbert always had feelings for his brother that weren't so platonic, but he never acted on them. Ludwig and Feliciana are married and have a son, no way was he going to go and mess it up. He was perfectly content sitting at the sidelines and cheering them on...right? (Human Au. Nyo!Italy. One-sided Germancest.)


Gilbert smiled and listened to his sister in law prattle on about the new baby and how his brother was doing. "Gilbert? Gilbert? Gilbert!" He jumped and chuckled sheepishly "Sorry Feliciana, I was spacing out a bit, run that by me again?" She sighed on the other end. "Gilbert please tell me what's wrong. You haven't came to visit since graduation and you haven't even met your nephew, I'm really worried about you." His throat clenched and his mouth went dry. He tried to force a laugh and assure her he was fine, but he couldn't.

He couldn't say the reason he didn't come was because he had feelings for his brother. Feelings that an older brother wasn't supposed to have. Was he jealous of Feliciana? Maybe, but he was happy for them and that's how he figured things would have to be. He would be happy for them but never with them. Gilbert can fake the smiles and happy laughter over the phone, but he knows the moment he sees them together, he would break. His brother's happiness meant a hell of a lot more than his own. Besides, being alone is so much fun.

The albino cleared his throat and laughed. "Feli stop worrying, I'm a big boy who can take care of himself. I'll come visit you guys soon, okay? I'm just really busy now a days." She frowned on the other end of the line. "You always say that." His laugh went weak. "Really? Never noticed." Feliciana looked at her husband and handed him the phone, mouthing the words "Talk to him."

"Bruder?"

Silence. Gilbert pressed his lips together tightly and silently cursed Feliciana. "Hey Luddy! How's life been treatin' ya?"

_Don't cry._

"It's been fine, work's easy and not too bad."

_God damn it, you're fine, don't cry._

"Really? That's great Luddy, 'm proud of you." His voice cracked and his throat felt dry. Ludwig chuckled lightly. "Danke, but it's a shame you couldn't be here for the wedding."

_Oh god, I can't_

Tears streamed down Gilbert's face and he covered his sob with a cough. "H-hey, I gotta go. My break is over and boss is gonna yell at me." His brother made a slight noise of disappointment. "Ah, I see, well good bye. I love you." Gilbert ended the call without answering his brother and slid down the wall he was leaning against. He buried his head in his arms and took a shaky breath. He hated crying. The way his heart clenched and his throat tightened, how he had to gasp for breath.

Was he seriously going to be like this forever? Always avoiding his brother and lying about promised visits. No, he couldn't. He would break sooner or later. Just get over it and be happy for him. Don't mess up your relationship with your brother just because of a stupid crush. Gilbert would be fine, just fine.

"Gil, take the rest of the day off." His head snapped up to look at his boss, Elizabeta. "What?" She sighed and shooed him off. "Go on, I can handle the rest of the day. Go home and just relax, that's an order." He rubbed his tear-streaked face. "I just had something in my eye, I'm fine." Elizabeta glared at him. "Don't give me that bullshit, now go home before I send your ass to the hospital." She may have been harsh but she had good intentions. The Hungarian could tell that her worker needed some time to think and collect his thoughts. "I'm serious Gil, go home." Gilbert sighed and nodded. "Thanks boss, you're the man." She rolled her eyes and watched as he left home, his shoulders slumped and his head down.

As he walked home, he passed by places that wouldn't hold much meaning to others, but held so much memory for him. The old rotted tree with a broken rope, the park bench that forever had a dent in it, the water fountain that still had a rubber duck toy floating in it, and the highschool that still had a wall painted with hearts and names. A small pained smile tugged at his lips, the old memories resurfacing. All those dumb pranks, the stupid things they all did to be remembered, the heartbreak, the happy moments, everything came rushing back to him.

Once he was home he sat down and leaned his head against the cold table top. After about an hour of thinking and debating with himself he finally came to a decision.

"Hey Elizabeta, I wont be coming in for work for the next 4 days." She groaned on the other end. "Seriously Gil, fine, but I'm docking your pay." He answered her quickly. "Yeah, yeah, sure. Bye." Gilbert hurried to get a plane ticket to Italy before packing his bags. He grabbed his phone and hurried to the airport. He was going to go visit his brother.

_Even if I can't be the one who gets more than platonic love, I'll be there with you. I'll step aside and smile for you and her, knowing that she's giving you everything I couldn't. I'll cheer you on from the side lines and give you advice when you aren't sure how to raise your kid. I'm doing all this because I'm your big brother. Don't worry, I like being alone._

Once he arrived to Ludwig's house it was already 10 pm. He knocked on the door and waited patiently for someone to answer. Gilbert chuckled to himself as he heard his brother stumble down the stairs and grumble something in German. "Do you know what ti- bruder?" He smiled. "Hey bro, mind helping me with my bags?" Ludwig helped him inside along with his bags. "What the hell are you doing here? I know you said you were coming to visit soon but I thought you would've called first." The albino laughed and waved his hand in the air dismissively. "No way, wanted to surprise you and Feliciana." His brother rolled his eyes. "Great surprise Gilbert." After Gilbert finished putting his things away Ludwig gave him a tight hug. "Gott I missed you." Gil tensed up but relaxed and hugged his brother back. "Ja, I missed you too kiddo."


End file.
